“BROKEN COMPUTER” BACKSTORY

I've struggled with anxiety and depression off and on throughout my life. I also had this idea that being anxious and depressed was cool, because the music and books of my time glorified it. I grew up with Alanis Morrisette, Nirvana and all the 90's bands like Matchbox and Third Eye Blind that sang about being sad, anxious, depressed and lost. I had a book on my shelf when I was 13 called Prozac Nation and I couldn't wait to get on meds so I could be dark and edgy too. I'm pretty sure I told the doctor I was depressed just to be cool... like the tortured artist-musician who smoked cigarettes, hooked up with boys and hopped in the tour bus like Almost Famous to live the rockstar life. That was going to be me.

When I am not taking care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually, I can be my own worst enemy. I have repetitive and obsessive thoughts, like a broken computer. The first verse of this song came all at once as a stream of consciousness I sang into my phone. The "broken computer" feeling comes when I am trying to control aspects of my life instead of accepting the way things are naturally. Can anyone relate? Over the years, I have learned how to take care of myself and I'm better at releasing the need for certainty and control.. but it's a practice. At this point I am convinced that anxiety and depression are symptoms of trauma. It can be a micro-trauma like not getting proper sleep or eating foods that are bad for my body. Or a major trauma like a breakup. The best way to heal is to get curious about the cause and go into self-care mode. Journaling, yoga, meditation, therapy, and feel all the feelings without attaching blame or shame onto them. I find myself sighing loudly, exhaling, flailing my arms, dancing and doing anything I can to release pent up energy... all day long. I don't care how silly I look. Its for my health. I hope this song helps people feel less alone andf insane in their broken-computer-ness. <3